Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
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Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.
Well played brother, well played
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba