if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

You Might Also Like


Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.


Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?


My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played


Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.


I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.


Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.


My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.


nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-


nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope