if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
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Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks