@TommyRainFall

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

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@DartsBofficial

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

@kelly_pawlluck

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

@AnissaClingman

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

@AllyBallyBeal

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

@hipstermermaid

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

@jwoodham

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

@mylifesuckers

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

@clichedout

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope