If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
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It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Ovenable?
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.