If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
You Might Also Like
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I bet
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.