@Lottie_Poppie Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
@Midgetspar If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
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@Lottie_Poppie 
@daddygofish Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
@msdanifernandez MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
@Lord_Voldemort7 Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
@1Happytwit My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
@peachesanscream Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
@AimeeHelene1 *walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
@hipchkk Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
@AmishPornStar1 Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
@IamEveryDayPpl LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.