If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
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My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever