If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

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Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?


Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.


My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.


*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00


Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.


Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.


LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.