@Midgetspar

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

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@Lottie_Poppie

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

@Lord_Voldemort7

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

@1Happytwit

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

@AimeeHelene1

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

@hipchkk

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

@AmishPornStar1

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

@IamEveryDayPpl

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.