If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
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Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me: