If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
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Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.