If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
You Might Also Like
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
At least he brought enough for everyone
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?