If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
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My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
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Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation