IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
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Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in