If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
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I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.