If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
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I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.