If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no