If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.