If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
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Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.