If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
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People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”