@UncleDuke1969

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

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@stewiecoffee

Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!

…and other things I never said before having kids

@GoldenSpirals

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

@TribalSpaceCat

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

@blob_of_light

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

@ThugRaccoons

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

@PeychoKanev

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.