If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
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If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.