If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

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Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!

…and other things I never said before having kids


I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.


Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are


Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages


*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*


I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.


The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.