If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
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WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.