If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

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10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.


Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?


“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”


I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.


Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.


its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while


If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.


This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.