@ristolable

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

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@MummaCrazy

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

@dannyboy7813

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

@doktorj

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

@Sanbel11

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

@XplodingUnicorn

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

@custardxcpt

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

@ericonederful

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

@Mr57percent

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.