If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
You Might Also Like
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.