If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
You Might Also Like
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’