If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
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Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I’m Sold!
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews