If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

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[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”


HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree


[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further


I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.


I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.


I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.


Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.