@Oobrey
@caliluvgirl77 [introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
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@caliluvgirl77 HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
@FrazzleMyGimp [shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
@Whitnuts I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
@threetimedaddy I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
@CatJacquesESPN You sure about that?
@NoContextBrits 
@baronvonbike *starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
@nevernicethings I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.