If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
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“How’s your day going?”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
crying
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
dads on road-trips be like
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said