If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

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(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide


It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.


Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.


my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom


God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.


Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown


I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.


God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.