@Oobrey

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

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@bobvulfov

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

@primawesome

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

@JasonLastname

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

@rn_murse

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

@noog

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

@QwertyJones3

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

@shanethevein

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

@RexHuppke

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.