@Oobrey
@TheToddWilliams COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
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@TheToddWilliams 
@Midgetspar I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
@bobvulfov (sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
@primawesome It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
@JasonLastname Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
@rn_murse my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
@noog God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
@QwertyJones3 Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
@shanethevein I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
@RexHuppke God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.