If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
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Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35