If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

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I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.


PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…


Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out


Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips


The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.


Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”


CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir


The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.