If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
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Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit