If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
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me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Fiction has to make sense.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth