*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
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If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
The real reason evolution started..😂
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.