If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
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First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
79.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
This is so me 😂😂
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.