If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
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When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Brilliant!
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??