If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
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Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma