If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
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So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast