If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
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A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?