If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
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me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Why is everyone getting married at me
A drum solo but on your face.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift