If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
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Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Extremely relatable.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.