If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
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Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why