If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
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Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
i love meeting boys on tinder
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot