If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
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Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.