If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
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CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
3% human
97% stress
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no