If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
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The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
the pigeons are already plenty salty
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Okay me first
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.