If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
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Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
😂😂😂
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Breaking news:
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.