if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
You Might Also Like
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
kevin is now a local weatherman
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.