If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
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Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.