if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
You Might Also Like
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.