If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
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It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.