If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
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I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers