If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
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I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”