If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

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“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”


4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.


If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.


Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.


Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?


[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”


I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed