@zacharyflynn
@UncleDuke1969 “♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
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@UncleDuke1969 
@clindsaysway Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
@XplodingUnicorn 4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
@The_Troy_Show Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
@topaz_kell If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
@funnybeachgirl Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
@schumoo Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
@LeBearGirdle [invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
@fillthevacuum Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
@LuvPug I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
