“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
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Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed