If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
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Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*