If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
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Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
need him
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.