If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

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Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.


Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.


A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses


Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law


What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space


Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.