@TheBoydP

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

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@CroweJam

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

@lawyerthoughts

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

@rickolantern

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

@yoyoha

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

@audipenny

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

@KnownComment

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.