If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
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If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Someone just threatened to call me later
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
#Caturday
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.