If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
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Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
superman landing like a plane on his belly
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.